first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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