so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
