shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
