i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
