I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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