Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Randomize
