I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Randomize
