3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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