dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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