You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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