Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
