Soap is not a condiment
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
How external is "for external use only"?
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
