I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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