I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
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