I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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