Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
