forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
