what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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