A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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