living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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