you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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