I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
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