At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
