I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.