Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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