just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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