She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
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