yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
