i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
