capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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