dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
