we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
