i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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