My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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