thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
How external is "for external use only"?
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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