she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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