Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
