Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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