Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
This toilet bowl is my home.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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