Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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