I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
