Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
