Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
