Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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