I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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