I can tuck mytits in my pants
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
His hands were made for my vagina.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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