Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
