On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
