so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Randomize
