Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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