I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Randomize
