dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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