I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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