oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
