i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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