Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
