my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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