Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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