Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Randomize
